Blog Musings

Winter

It’s easy to write this season off as one of death. We feel the cold of loneliness and the sting of wind on our chapped cheeks while hoping for the warmth of the sun’s return. We relish for light- a light to save us, a light to illuminate the truth we deeply long for. Grief visits many this season, because we cannot reconcile what our eyes behold. What once was alive, colorful, vivid is so dull and dreary. The trees are threadbare and color is void. Even the clouds look dim and the sun, if it visits, never stays long.

I like living in a place with four seasons. I believe each season must be savored. If we open our eyes to see, we find this winter that death isn’t here at all. Winter is instead only a season of rest. While the landscape appears to the unseeing eye as a burial of sorts, it brings forth no sense of finality. If we truly gaze upon the world outside we can see unique, beautiful ice crystals join in harmony to blanket the earth, tucking in the sleeping grass. Seeds from trees and flowers are merely suspended in time- frozen- but will again receive water, air, light and life and flourish in more temperate days. The tracks in the snowy outdoors show the forrest world is wide awake, as squirrels, mice and chipmunks still forage to find living things to eat, such as the remnants of nuts and seeds. Some heartier foliage continue to push through the frozen crust, also- signs of life amongst the stark landscape.

We tend to want to rush through this time, this season of winter so plagued with darkness. This time where the bitter cold reminds us of the bitter truth: our mortal selves are reminded that we, too, will grow cold and return to the barren earth. 

Grief is always an invitation to rest.

Instead of despising the winter, I’ve grown to love it.  I’ve come to find, time and time again, winter after frigid winter, that resurrection comes. That new life will spring forth, and light will stay to make for happier and longer days. I welcome the invitation to cozy down into the darkness and rest. To slow the hustle and the bustle, instead of trying to deny the frigidity my bones can feel when going out and about busily, avoiding the reminder that all things slow and rest and come to the end of themselves. Winter is the season of slow, and I welcome it with a big inahle, holding it dearer. As the cold travels through my airways, opening up my lungs and freshening my breath, I remember the truth of it all. Letting go and embracing change hurts, but can also be healing and good. For nothing can grow- not even humans- unless we welcome the season of rest.

Blog Musings

2020: Brave

It’s a new year, and with that I have emerged with a goal. I don’t make resolutions, rather I choose one word that has meaning to carve things out in my mental, spiritual and emotional life. My 2020 word is BRAVE.

I used to think “brave” meant doing things scared. In that regard, starting to put pen to paper and write was an act of bravery. But after typing out some blogs or publishing articles, I started to feel scared. Do people really want to read my words? What if I say the wrong thing? What if my words are found in the future even when my thoughts/feelings have changed and matured?

After reading Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown, bravery has taken on a deeper meaning for me. (Yes, I read psychology and self-help. I have my MSEd in Counseling, after all!) Bravery isn’t just doing things scared. It’s doing things with authenticity.

For so long I’ve bent to this idea that doing anything for me is selfish, but who I was made to be has meaning and value and is a reflection of the Creator. Now, don’t go commenting that I’ve lost my faith. Really, in order to love the Lord and others, there’s a necessary level of learning to know, love and be authentic to your self. So, 2020 is my year to be brave.

In the book, Brown describes bravery in a multifaceted way with an acronym:

B-oundaries
R-eliability
A-ccountability
V-ault
I-ntegrity
N-onjudgment
G-enerosity

I used this concept to carve out what I want to be brave in this year. It will encompass my relationships, my health, my work, my homeschooling, my personal growth and recreation.

I will be brave in my writing going forward. Here’s what I mean:

Boundaries: I will set and respect my own boundaries. I won’t write to hustle, get paid or gain recognition. It’s a creative process and I’m going to lean into it. I want this to be enjoyable. I don’t need fame or recognition. I just need space to think, to feel, to process. And words do that for me.

Reliability: I will keep reliability in my mind as I write. Much of writing is a discipline, and I can learn to do that by devoting time weekly to the task, and not just writing because I “feel” like it.

Accountable: Did I do what I said I would do? See above 🙂

Vault: This means respecting the stories and personhood of others, and not using them as writing subjects without their permission. To me that includes even famed people. No more articles about the popular Church folks.

Integrity: Am I writing with personal integrity? Am I sharing things because it’s how I truly feel or I think it’s what people want to hear? This one is hard for me. I want to have integrity to who I am, who I will become yet I also don’t want my words to become someone’s benchmark or soapbox. I guess that’s out of my hands, really.

No judgment: I have a hard time asking for help when I need it. I want to be able to reach out without judging myself as a failure. RISK, they say it pays off.

Generosity: In this regard I mean that I will be generous to myself. I won’t hold myself to some hard and fast rules of writing. I will enjoy the process. I will feel through it. I will stop hesitating to push publish. I’m going to be generously present with myself.

That’s my hope for this space. Happy 2020 Reading. Thanks for tagging along.
Love, Jessica

Blog Spirituality Uncategorized

The Truth About Eve

John MacArthur’s recent sermon in response to women as Teachers has stirred much displeasure and unrest in some, and also agreement for others. MacArthur’s name has been in the spotlight in recent weeks because of some comments about well-known women leaders in the church. Instead of apologizing or listening with empathy (eg., like Jesus did), he has doubled-down and defended his position using the Bible.

Here’s an excerpt of his newest sermon:

“Eve got out from the protection of Adam, she was vulnerable, she was deceived, …He sinned because he couldn’t live without her. She had become everything to him. When the roles are reversed, the women are deceived, bad things happen, the men are made weak, worse things happen. The whole human race went down with Adam. You tamper with this order, chaos is unending. … Adam was not deceived, Eve was deceived. If we stay in the order that God has designed us everybody flourishes.”

I squirm to be the one with the voice to say it, but THIS IS A LIE. Men aren’t weaker because of women. In fact, according to the biblical creation poem, men are made whole when given a woman. Genesis says “it wasn’t good for man to be alone.” (Genesis 2:18) God saw he needed a helper. Eve was CREATED BY GOD. How can we listen to and nod in agreement to a man who relegates a woman’s existence as “inherently evil?” Genesis 1 not only shows women are created by God, but made in His image! “So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” (Genesis 1:27) God himself exists in Fullness within a relationship (the Trinity), and so do we. We are better together.

The centerpiece of thoughts like “I am worthless” or “I have no value” or “I’m not worth anything” is SHAME. Some of us have experienced so much shame these declarations have become self-mantras. We then tack our list of failures onto these beliefs:
“I’m worthless because I’ve had an abortion.”
“I hate myself because I can’t stop looking at porn.”
“I am trash because I am not skinny enough”

If my deepest truth is worthlessness, then I will always strive to cover my shame. I believe many leaders struggle with worthless feelings, so they teach a self-centered “gospel” falsely. Self-discipline, facades of “rightness,” performing and behavior modification will never save us and make us feel whole. Yet, some preachers teach us this is how we become “holy,” how we redeem our wrongness and make it right.

Women in particular struggle with hatred of self, and sermons and teachings like this in the church teach women that hating our self is some form of agreement with a God who sees this evil in me. Many of us believe God sees us as failures, utterly lost, broken and depraved. But what does He really see?

But all human beings- even women!- have inherent value because we’re made in His image. Our value and worth is NOT dependent on us, then! Our value is not determined by what anyone thinks of me- not even the preacher on stage. My value is not determined by what I think of myself.

God didn’t meet us by Lording over us and condemning us from some magical cloud asking us to “act right.” My God became HUMAN! That must mean something significant about humanity. God has never had a low view of humanity, because He knows the truth. He made us before we were “duped,” before we believed the lies in our own minds or the lies someone else has fed to us. God- who IS good- created people, and he called humans “very good” in the Garden (Genesis 1:31). When Jesus was born, He didn’t become like us. We were made to be like HIM! Humanness was part of the godhead before creation!

That means when He made me, I was made very good. I’m always “very good” because I am a reflection of the image of God. This gives me value. And it gives other people value. It gives men and women EQUAL value. Jesus as flesh embodies this truth for us.

As a parent, I would never tell Giana “the truth about you is there’s nothing good about you. You are terrible and utterly depraved. You have always been and will always be worthless.” Wouldn’t that make me a terrible parent? YET- the church teaches people this- and defends it using some “hand selected verses.” Father God has never made this declaration about humanity because He’d likewise be saying that about himself.

We should tell people this is the ultimate truth of their existence. We believe the Gospel —- Ephesians 2: 4-10 “But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

HUMANS HAVE ALWAYS HAD VALUE. Before we could even know or realize or even exist, God saw our value. It literally says we are HIS HANDIWORK in Ephesians.

My goodness is not earned because of my gender. I am not disqualified because of my behavior- nor was Eve! We are fully known and fully loved because of God’s character- rich in mercy, love and grace. We are called to be the same Merciful, Graceful Love to others.

In fact, if we’re going to base this all on Eve as MacArthur did, then let’s look at the whole story through Genesis 3. Even after God knew about her “sin,” he made a covering for her shame (Genesis 3:21). I SEE REDEMPTION IN THAT. God Himself shed blood to cover Adam and Eve’s nakedness and shame. If that’s not a picture of Jesus, what is?

God didn’t pronounce Eve as evil, or curse her- He only cursed the snake (Genesis 3:14). In fact, God said Adam and Eve became like Him now, knowing good from evil (Genesis 3:22)

Then God showed them MERCY by sending them out of the Garden of Eden, so they wouldn’t live forever to see the playing out of good and evil. God didn’t discipline them by banishing them from Eden, He provided for them in Love so their suffering wouldn’t be eternal.

Furthermore, if you believe in the redemptive story of Jesus, his resurrection made all things new! Men AND Women are free from the curse of sin and death in Christ. So how can we believe there’s a superior gender? MacArthur’s teaching is a manipulative twist on the whole story of the Scripture, proof-texting at it’s finest to derive a defense and use the Words of Love to justify hate speech and marginalizing people. MacArthur is using the most powerful form of religious abuse- shame. Period.

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.“ Romans 8:1 There is no room for shame when we are at the feet of Jesus.

DISCLAIMER: Let me be clear: I am not criticizing the personhood of MacArthur. I believe he, too, is made in God’s image. But as teachers, we are held at the highest standard, and his teachings misalign the truth of Christ.

Blog Spirituality

I am Blessed (and so are you…)

Bless you. Let’s say the blessing. Bless your heart! I am so blessed. God bless America. The blessed life is the best life. And let’s not forget posting a picture of our new car with the infamous hashtag: #blessed.

The word bless is a common part of our everyday talk. It’s become a word we toss around casually, a spiritual version of our wish that came true. People use the word to describe their nice cars, big houses and bank accounts. But this word encapsulates much more than the desire for well-being or materialism. 

The idea of earning blessing is a type of “Christian magic” where we think we can coerce God into treating us special. If I just do the right thing or say the right thing, surely He will do what I deserve. Surely he will bless me! This is performance-based thinking; it’s anti biblical and ungodly.

God is about relationship and not magic. Magic is about formulas and behavior. Relationship is about mystery and trust. Blessing is relational, not material. So we can throw away the score sheets and sticker charts, along with our ideas that God owes us something, or that we’ve earned our way into blessing. Relationships don’t need record keeping!

So what does blessing mean? The sermon on the mount was taught by Jesus and also talks about blessing. Matthew 5 says:

Have you ever felt: poor in spirit? mournful? meek? desiring of righteousness? merciful? pure in heart? peacemaking? Have you ever been persecuted or had something evil said against you? <<raises hand for every one>>

But look at the other half of the verses. What is the blessing?
The kingdom of heaven
Comfort
Inheritance
Satisfaction
Receiving Mercy
Seeing God
Being Sons/Daughters of God
Joy & Gladness

These are all relationship attributes. We receive comfort from someone who loves us when we’re hurting. We receive inheritance, not because we have earned something, but because we belong to them as an heir. He calls us sons and daughters. We receive satisfaction and mercy through relationship. We experience joy and gladness in relationship.

Our human tendency is to take these verses and make them into a checklist. “Just act merciful and then you’ll receive your mercy!” We use the checklist then as a way to give some Christian advice, which often falls short and leaves people feeling alone in their circumstances. Making blessing into cause and effect takes away the very gift blessing is.

Many times blessings are revealed in hardship. Life is not bubble gum and raindrops on roses all the time. The blessing is seeing the immovable love of God during my struggle. It’s unwrapping his grace in my failure… again. It’s having a deep hope in the face of rejection. It’s having peace in troubled waters. 

When we make the entire gift out to be a behavior-reward exchange, we actually withhold or confuse blessing. We think the blessing is things or situations or outcomes. In the face of hardship we respond with feeling unloved, unwanted, hopeless, helpless, restless and uncertain in who we are and who God is. Isn’t our reaction usually: “If God is good then why is this happening?” Confusing the definition of blessing leaves us in a dangerous place of questioning and doubting the goodness of God.

The blessing is always within us, just hovering beneath the surface. As we go deeper with Jesus, He reveals blessing to us. As we yield to the spirit drilling deep into our hearts, through hard soil and dead things, he shows us blessing. 

Blessing is not a measuring stick. It’s not goods that we receive. It’s not a heavenly checkbook. Blessing is our identity: Redeemed. Chosen. Adopted. Forgiven. Holy. Blameless. Daughter. Known. Receiver of grace, wisdom and mystery. Sealed by God in Christ through His Holy Spirit. No circumstance can shake those descriptors. No good deed can earn those titles. No sin or wrong can withhold who we are.

The apostles taught in Acts it is more blessed to give than to receive. Isn’t this real relationship, and real love- to sacrifice? To become like Christ we must give as he gave, too. There’s an undercurrent of sacrifice in the Beatitudes. To be a peacemaker means I lay down my right to defend myself. To be persecuted means to choose not to retaliate. To be merciful means I give forgiveness to people who might not deserve pardon.

When devastation and loss happens, it’s not punishment from God for not following the rules. I believe He is WITH us in our sufferings. That is the blessing- a relationship that cannot be shaken because of our behavior or performance. An identity no one can alter, to include myself. Blessing is becoming more fully who He says I am. Blessing is taking up the cause and yoke of Christ, and being Christlike to others. Only when I can fully be myself IN Him, can I be a blessing to others.

We are blessed because of WHO Jesus is, what His identity is, and what our identity is because of our relationship with him. YOU are already blessed. The blessing is ours in, through and because of Christ. The blessing IS the inheritance- it’s our birthright. It’s who we are. We get to BE the blessing to one another.


Blog Military Life

Spiritual Growth on Deployment

Military couples face challenges in their marriage in ways most people never have to explore. This is especially true as we endure long separations from one another because of the service member’s obligation to our Nation. My husband and I have been on both ends of the spectrum- having a failing marriage during deployment and also working toward a thriving marriage despite the physical separations. 

Ways we can enrich our relationship long-distance vary. As people of faith, incorporating belief and hope into our marriage building has been enriching. While there’s many articles on practical and useful ways to handle deployment, little exists on how to stay on the same page spiritually. 
Research shows sharing morality both in a marriage and family solidifies relationships. While you tick off packing lists, arrange finances, discuss how to parent the children in your spouse’s absence, and consider emergency plans, be sure to include a discussion in how to share your faith during deployment. 

Here’s a few suggestions we’ve tried over the years:
Tip #1- Read matching devotionals while you’re apart. My Aunt gifted us our first set of matching devotionals when my husband left on his first deployment to Afghanistan in 2003. We’ve continued the tradition over the years on subsequent separations. This practical tool gives us commonality in our faith, keep us on the same growth track spiritually and give us the ace in the back pocket to discuss when communication gets tough. 
Devotional pages often include the calendar date, so I’ve also found it to be a great place to jot down important dates in my spouse’s copy to remind him of events, birthdays or leave him little romantic notes. 

During deployment in my copy, I like to jot down important milestones, such as the day we said goodbye, the half-way point, and the homecoming, once it finally arrives! It’s a nice reminder of God’s steadfast presence in this time. 

(A word of encouragement to those who’s spouses have differing faiths: Even before my now-Chaplain hubby had faith, he was willing to read a devotional with me! Just ask- you never know unless you do.)
Recommendation: Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

Tip #2- Choose a deployment scripture.A much wiser, seasoned Marine Corps wife shared her story of how she and her husband purposed their hearts to serve God foremost in service to our Nation. This meant viewing deployment time as a mission from God, and by using this lens she was able to see the faithfulness of the Lord present with her through each deployment separation. Together before their goodbyes, they chose a scripture to pull them through the tough days and to serve as encouragement.

Choosing a deployment scripture can become a beautiful reminder of God’s faithfulness throughout a difficult season. When facing difficult circumstances, we often need to cling to the Word, and deployment is no exception. 

Choosing an anchor verse helps to remind us that God will sustain even in the hard, miry throes of deployment. There’s days where it feels impossible and moments you’d rather quit, but we can do hard and holy things. We can honor God and do his will even during deployment. Muttering his promises and faithful words in the midst of our struggles can revive and recharge our hearts. 

Our most recent deployment Scripture was 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

Tip #3- Find Spiritual Community We are not created to live life alone. Alone becomes strikingly apparent when your spouse leaves for an extended time period. It’s wise to safeguard against becoming isolated, which we know leads to feelings of depression or anxiety. 

As those left behind on deployment, it’s not too hard to find a place to worship on Sundays. But it’s even more important (and equally difficult) to build relationships with people who share your faith and values and who can offer biblical encouragement when days get tough. BEFORE your spouse deploys, try to build relationships with those people who will become like family, the ones you can call when Murphy’s Law strikes and you get a flat tire. You’ll need faithful people who you can text for prayer and encouragement. People who can speak God’s truth in love to you when you’re having a hard time juggling solo parenting. 

It’s equally important to encourage the deploying spouse to find likeminded community while away. Most commands have a Chaplain on deployment who can help find spiritual resources. Don’t want to talk to the Chaplain? There’s usually lay leaders in your crew or squadron, too. Find those people in your ranks, and go to weekly Bible study or Chapel together. 

Tip #4- Never Underestimate the Power of Prayer Miles apart, an easy way to unify your hearts is to pray together. If you’re able and connected, make it a habit to have daily prayer on the phone or messenger together. If you’re less connected, then pick a 31 day prayer plan and commit to pray over each other even when you can’t communicate. 

Bottom line: Share as much as you can in your spiritual journey together. Do you scripture journal? Share the plan with your spouse- they may want to jump on board. Do you take sermon notes? Email them to your spouse every Sunday afternoon. Does your place of worship stream the message? Then pass along the link so they’re hearing the same sermon. Do you love worship music? Then send your Spotify playlist to your Main Squeeze, too. Building intimacy long distance isn’t simple, and it’ll take some extra time and effort, but it will make post-deployment adjusting a little easier. As people of faith, our desire for growth should be mutual and should include spiritual development even while apart. 

Blog Spirituality

Dear Church, Love Doesn’t Divide…

A mainline American Christianity reputation, and oftentimes reality, is judgmentalism. For three decades I’ve seen the ebb and flow, the collective rise and fall, the finger-pointing and condemnation hurled at certain well-known Christians or denominations. Whether it’s come in the form of questioning their faith, commitment or leadership, I’ve seen people with evolving thoughts on faith lambasted, their books pulled off shelves and every blogger in Christendom taking their collective stab at them.

It’s always been so ironic to me that Christians- who’s primary message is centered on a person called Love- can carry such negative connotations. Love doesn’t divide. Love multiplies.

Every parent who’s welcomed more than one child knows this truth- you CAN love more. The capacity for love is ever-growing, ever-changing and bubbling with the possibility to multiply.

It seems like Christianity is a dying faith some days, and that the church is continually putting each sect under the microscope to criticize. It’s time to return to elementary teachings. The whole message of Jesus is love, and we must multiply the cry.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” Colossians 3:12-14

Church- what if we encountered others with compassion?
Compassion sees the heart of the person made in God’s image and loves them anyway.

What if we encountered people different in their faith with kindness?
Kindness goes out of it’s way to make peace and create belonging.

What if we encountered people different in their faith with humility?
Humility says I can learn from someone else and my views aren’t always right.

What if we encountered the people we’d rather judge with gentleness?
Gentleness listens for the story under the story, the suffering under the hardness, and weeps with those who weeps. Or it finds the joy in the story and rejoices along with it.

What if we encountered our brothers and sisters in faith with patience?
Patience says I realize your path and journey is at a different place with Jesus. You don’t have to theologize, defend, “get on my level,” or believe how I believe for us to bear with one another.

The end of the Colossians passage says that we must put love on to bind us together in perfect unity. The global church is not united right now- we’re dividing ourselves into man-made boxes and defining God within those boundaries. We’re not marked with compassion and joy- don’t believe me? Ask an unbeliever! The Church has not lived up to the charge of love, which multiplies, which invites, which creates openness and willingness to dine with the sinners and the saints. And because of it, we see division.

A house divided against itself cannot stand. We must find unity by becoming people of Love, and not people of our denominations (yes, nondenomers, you have your own little groups, too). We must have loving conversation. We must get out of our certainty, theological boxes and assurances, and learn to become comfortable with the grey areas in faith- because most of it is grey, after all. That’s what faith is- not being certain all the time.

We don’t need anymore opinions or views about Jesus. We need to allow others to seek Him and find Him. We need to give people the air and freedom to wrestle with God. Because a real faith journey includes the doubt.

We cannot live in fear of another person’s viewpoints about Jesus or faith in general. We cannot avoid them or remain silent. We can’t just blend in and keep to ourself. We have to live in the tension with people. That’s the call of Christ: to love in the mess; to engage with faith and humility.

Every time I’ve tried to respond with gentleness, love, patience, kindness and humility to someone I’d previously categorize as “not as holy as myself,” I’ve been surprised to find they are much like me, and also capable of responding with gentleness, love, patience, kindness and equal humility. We can learn and grow, even if we don’t always agree. We can love each other, authentically, and in turn open the doors to love others.

I believe this because I’ve lived it. On one hand I’ve participated in judgmentalism, in defending biblical views, in becoming so rigid in my faith that I’ve pushed people out. I’ve contributed to division, and I am heartbroken by it. But I won’t stay there.

But I’ve also lived repentant (meaning with a changed mind), and seen the Kingdom multiply. I can attest that no one wins or build relationships from picketing, brimstone and fire sermons or a good religious debate. Love wins because of the choice to step out in love toward someone, to show empathy, to care in the same way Jesus did when He walked the earth.

So, Apologists, step away from your podiums (or your social media platform) and let the Spirit enlighten hearts. Use your voice to speak love kindness, gentleness, and maybe even a little humility to know you aren’t always right. God spoke through a donkey; therefore, He can operate outside our neatly defined faith.

So, Theologians- close the books and essays. No man or woman has ever perfectly dissected God and faith. It’s time you to go and talk to people who might even believe differently or belong to a more liberal or conservative denomination. Stop the Twitter arguments and reposts and love your neighbor.

So, Pastors, Elders & Deacons, Lay Leaders and Small Group Facilitators- don’t become so comfortable in your positions that you forget your mission is to love the world, and not just the little clique behind your doors who tithe, who celebritize you on Facebook Stories or think you are a guru of the Bible.

Believers- let’s start giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Let’s not weaponize the Scripture or Jesus. We need to use the real truth of the book- LOVE- to live and move and breathe and have our being.

The world needs us. We need each other. And Love is the only way that’s going to work and unify our hearts.

Blog Military Life

Reunion

Reunion: a word that brings back many happy memories for some. The waft of summer barbecues. The clinking of a game of horseshoes. The smell of salty ocean air and personalized family T-shirts. 

For others, reunion reminds them of losing those pounds gained since high school; or of the final push toward accomplishment so there is something to show for the passing years. 

The Hollywood vision of military reunion is probably the most public portrayal of this lifestyle. Sailors swooping their sweethearts off their feet in the middle of a street. Soldiers surprising daughters and sons at school functions. Wives running toward husbands and children waving flags. Roses. Cute signs. Cheers. Regalia. Bands. Military homecoming looks so happy. And it is. 

But it’s more than that- it’s frightening. Those moments we embrace for the first time in forever are happy. But what do we do with the remaining moments? The drive from the ship to our home. The days of leave where we spend 24/7 together after months of separation. The routine. The normalcy that gets redefined. Reintegration is hard and scary. And we should stop mascarading and pretending it’s anything but. 

Reintegration looks like a wife laying in bed trembling before she goes to sleep that first night with her husband. It’s strange and unfamiliar. She’ll have to share the pillows again.  It’s hard to welcome his touch after shutting off desire for months. It’s hard to quiet the clamorous thoughts: “will it feel the same? Will he notice I lost 10 lbs? Will he like the new perfume I’m wearing?” And as his fingers glide over her skin she cries- a combination of fear, happiness and relief. She’s not alone anymore. But it feels so lonely at the same time. Inside her mind she thinks, “He doesn’t know me anymore.” 

Homecoming looks like a child too timid to approach his mommy because she’s returned hardened by war. Her happiness and delight in those first moments of reunion wear off into blank stares, vigilance along the roadside, distracted thoughts and wondering if she’ll ever be able enjoy this freedom she defended again. If she can be happy again. If she can have a good life with that son she happily stood in freedom’s wing for. And the child in the backseat thinks and wonders if his mommy even loves him anymore. She still seems so far away. 

Homecoming is the give and take of routine being refigured. It’s sons and daughters being relieved of what were their extra responsibilities. It’s wives learning to reallow their husband to open her car door. Who will take the kids to their games? Who will do dishes after dinner? How will I carve time into life to give attention to my spouse again? Will I have any time alone again? 

The Good News is always that- good news. There is good news for these tough and scary times. We can never be prepared for reunion with our loved one without the help of Christ. No self help book or readiness program can do what He did on the cross. He covers. He gives grace. He forgives. 

And that’s what we must do. Military families must cover. Military families must give grace. But mostly, we must do the hardest work of all- forgive. 

Covering looks like saying it’s okay your spouse doesn’t remember what day the recycling gets picked up. Covering is saying Mommy or Daddy missed that birthday, but we can celebrate together now. Covering looks like allowing our warriors to grieve, cry and mourn the loss they may have experienced, even if that’s just the loss of camaraderie with someone other than this family.

Grace looks like saying sorry when you argue about who should bathe the children. Grace is seeing your independent spouse still maintain his or her routine even though you are home- and commending them for their strength instead of resenting them for it. Grace looks like turning off the tv and telling the kids it’s been so long since you’ve played with them that you need them to help you remember. 

Forgiveness is the biggest priority through it all. We need forgiveness for the time apart, for the misunderstandings, for the lack of communicating the big and little ways our hearts have changed, how our routines have changed, how our lifestyles have changed, howour thoughts and perspectives have changed. Forgiveness for making new friends both for the person on deployment and for us back at home, and expecting our spouses and families to just join in that relationship we’ve built alone for months. We may even extend forgiveness to our Nation for allowing our families to carry the burden of freedom, for allowing our children’s hearts feel the realities of a warrior’s life: real trauma, suffering, sadness and grief they barely understand, let alone process. 

There’s so much more of homecoming we never talk about, never make space for, never give words to… but we need to start opening up these lines of communication so we can love each other through it. So we can normalize what feels so isolating. So we can say after reunion “this is hard.” Or “our marriage is not as happy as I thought this would be.” Or “my kids still don’t trust Daddy even though he’s been home for 6 months.” It’s time we share the truth: homecoming is hard. But the other side of that coin is that we shouldn’t be ashamed because it’s hard, either. Life feels hard when we don’t feel heard. 

So it’s time we speak up, give words, and share stories of how hard these moments are, so we can receive grace and mercy from each other. So we can let others talk and share and cry and say “I didn’t think this would be so hard!”

Let’s stop perpetuating lies that say “these are supposed to be the happiest days” when you’re reunited and let’s remember the blood, sweat and tears that goes into overcoming hardship, even after our service members come home to safety. 

I think military families can do redeployment well if we’re doing it loved. It’s time we create that space for each other. It’s time the Church sees this transition-homecoming- as fragile and sacred so they can support, listen and offer us love, free babysitting and maybe even some meals while we relearn one another, while we grow in grace together and while we do the gritty work of becoming One again- one day at a time. 

Blog Military Life

Love Is All You Need

We love sayings that are idealistic, in fact I have Pinterest boards and journals full of encouraging quotes, yet many times I have a hard time incorporating them into everyday reality. “Love is All You Need,” a popular Beatles song, has stuck in the hearts and minds of people for decades. I have a soft spot for the Beatles, my favorite band in high school. I even have a mug I drink coffee out of most mornings with these same words: “Love Is All You Need.” I love this saying because as a Christ follower, I believe love is the driving force for good in this world and the cornerstone of my faith.

We talk about love a lot as a military community– we say that love is how a man or woman is willing to give their life in service, and for some in sacrifice, for our Nation. Love is what got us married into the military in the first place, and love led us to become participants in this great adventure called military life. 

But the reality of love isn’t rainbows and roses (can I hear the married people say amen?). As Followers of Christ, love in the kingdom isn’t about what you get. It’s about what you can give. 

Yet, some of the messages we perpetuate in our community is that we deserve something more. Message boards and conversations abound where milspouses discuss how annoying the military lifestyle can be, how irritating our spouse’s job is or how civilians have no clue what we go through. While there’s a time and place for productive conversations to improve our lifestyle, most of what we buzz about is not building one another (or our communities) up. 

1 Corinthians 13 says what love looks like the best way (from The Message):

Love  never gives up.

Love  cares more for others than for self.

Love  doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.

Love  doesn’t strut.

Doesn’t have a swelled head.

Doesn’t force itself on others.

Isn’t always “me first.”

Doesn’t fly off the handle.

Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn’t revel when others grovel,

Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth.

Puts up with anything.

Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back, 

But  keeps going to the end.

I would say milspouses love fiercely, but let us do so by speaking grace and truth to one another. Let’s be a group of people known not for excessive complaints and comparisons, but for being LOVE to each other, and to truly spur one another to love and good works.

Here’s some ways I have struggled, and have had to open my eyes to the reality of love:

I’m so tired of every leave block being spent visiting family and friends, always driving to that part of the country and then everyone expects me to run around to see them. Instead of complaining about the inconvenience and cost, let’s change the script to read love. Instead, open eyes of love see that a visit home is enjoyed with all the quirks of family, because this might be the last time you play a game of cards with Grams. I’m happy to drive home and then make moments to go here, there and everywhere to remind people who matter to me that I love them. Surely, love can sacrifice a tank of gas. We’re people willing to give our lives in service to our country. Let us be people willing to sacrifice small things, too. Even for our family members and friends back home. Because, love cares more for others than for self.

I’m so tired of hearing my civilian friend complain that her husband is on a 2 day business trip. My natural response would be to say big deal! I mean, I’ve spent 5 years apart from my man as he keeps *you* safe. I need to capture those reactions and filter them through love. Love doesn’t have a swelled head nor does it strut it’s stuff. Instead I can see my friend struggling with her spouse’s absence as an opportunity for me to encourage her, pray with her and reassure her that her doubts and fears are normal and natural. Instead of one-upping her with my stories of holding down the fort solo, I can bring by her dinner to relieve some of the stress in her day. Instead of playing comparisons, I can care for her in her time of need.

I’m so tired of my husband’s long work hours. Don’t they know he has a family back home? Instead of giving my husband a piece of my mind when he gets home, love says I shouldn’t fly off the handle. I cover his dinner plate and put it in the microwave. I tuck the kids into bed. Instead of reeling on my phone, posting on social media about my irritation with long work hours and excessively texting him to complain that I’m unhappy he’s not home, I use the time to pray for his work environment, leadership and comrades. I look for the best and take the extra moments of solitude as a gift, reading a book or calling a friend. 

I can’t help but see that at the heart of all these thoughts, the concern is for *myself.* When I lean into the Kingdom, opening my eyes to see God’s love at hand right now, my perspective shifts. I cannot respond to the heart of God with a heart for myself. My response must be love- love for Him and for others. Love is all we need to keep trucking through this lifestyle. After all, love never gives up. 

Where does your script need to change to read “love?” Love turns our problems into opportunities to let the Kingdom come, right now, on earth as it is in heaven.

Love isn’t easy. It’s always involves sacrifice. I sacrifice my impatience to be patient when Uncle Sam delays homecoming, instead of jumping on the spouse’s page to vent. I sacrifice my deployment horror stories to hear someone else’s story, even if it doesn’t hold a candle to my trials or tribulations. I don’t have to force myself, my opinions and experiences on others. My only charge and obligation is to love. I get to throw away my scoresheets and build loving, safe places.

I want to build and participate in a community that doesn’t look back, but only looks forward. I want to live in base communities that care more for others than encouraging us to stay stuck in our own loathing. I want my milspouse friends to speak love and truth to me in all the trials that will come my way in this lifestyle. God is trustworthy in the ebbs, flows and unknowns. Love is, and can be, all we need to live this crazy, hard and refining lifestyle.

Blog Military Life

Living In-TENSION-ally

No one can relate to feeling like a stranger in a foreign land more than the military family. While some of us quite literally have moved to foreign soil, we inevitably move to new duty stations every couple of years. We learn to be “Semper Gumby,” ever flexible and adjusting to different communities and cultures, different regions and climates. While it’s pretty incredible the government foots the bill to relocate our families for each adventure, PCS season comes with considerable fear and trepidation.

Boxes galore, paper in every form, little numbered stickers of many hues (because we never removed the last set), more pizza than you want to see ever again in your life. It’s here. Again. And for many, it leaves us bone-tired just thinking about it. Welcome to PCS season!


If you’re in the throes of this season, the stress and tension PCS creates are real. It takes a noticeable toll on families as we pack up life as we know it, watch our children say goodbye to their best friends, close out our obligations and have Hail and Farewells. We leave one place emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted, arriving at the new place with little rejuvenation. And when we set feet in the new land, we’re stuck between life as we knew it and the unknowns of what’s to come. 
The tension of being out of place, in between homes or in a new place leads to varied reactions. First, we can separate from people, feeling the effort to get to know people is worthless since you’ll be ripped away again eventually. Or maybe you’re a “blender-“ you adapt to the people you’re in proximity with for a season, even if they’re totally different from your last crowd. 


Problems arise from both dichotomy’s as we transition from one place to the next. Separating from people leads to isolation, which can lead to depression, anxiety and many other issues. Not to mention the practical things, like who’s gonna be your emergency contact at the CDC if you don’t get to know anyone? More costly, we lose our ability to influence our community with our gifts and talents when we isolate. We likewise forfeit this same influence when we blend in, being fearful to step out in faith and be the hands and feet of Christ.


As people of faith, though, we should be quite comfortable feeling like foreigners in a temporary land. We are sojourners together at the foot of the cross.When Jesus walked the earth, he didn’t separate from people and he didn’t blend in. Instead, He lived life in the tension. He loved people in their mess and mire. He engaged with doubters and sinners with humility and servanthood. 
The same applies to us in our change of station- we have to get comfortable with the tension if we ever want to find the joy in military service. To live intentionally for us really means living in tension. Jesus, in all his righteousness, still inserted himself into the things of the world- the hurt, the pain, the suffering. And if you take a quick glimpse around our bases and units, boats and squadrons, housing community and clinics, the hurt, pain and suffering is ever present. 
You have a mission, dear family, during this PCS and it’s simple: get in the tension of your community and be the hands of Christ.

Who’s sitting around your table, discussing the realities of faith and praying for you? Find those people at your new duty station. Many avenues exist to find them, such as base Chaplain programs, Chapel, PWOC, IF:Table, local military-friendly churches and the list goes on. Gather together with your people often, then go love your community. Be in-tension-al! Let’s change the atmosphere of our bases and be a people known by love, shining bright. Let’s roll up our sleeves and get into the hurt and pain and suffering in our community, while being ever sustained by faith, hope and love of a different Kingdom.  


While we may not be pumped up to pack up and leave our friends and routines, homes and schools, we can look expectantly at the new places ahead, where the tension will be. It will be difficult. It might not always feel worthy. But we must find our people to encourage us to remember: this is a temporary home, like all the rest, and someday we’ll have a permanent residence, with no PCS orders to come. And I want the people I spend a few years with here and there to be in eternity with me. Can you imagine that block party? I’m down. Are you?


God knew how hard this calling would be for His people. So when the church was birthed in Acts, He emphasized the importance of community. He gave us his Spirit to dwell within us to enable us to have unity. To sustain in-tension living, we must also be devoted to the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and prayers (Acts 2:42). The early church was devoted to one another. They were aware of the happenings in their community because they lived in the tension. They met needs for one another and then they met needs outside in their local community. Sacrificial love happens in authentic community. 

Blog Military Life

Hurry Up & Wait

As military families we are well acquainted with many colloquialisms. A favorite of mine is “hurry up and wait.” We understand waiting because it’s woven throughout the necessity of serving our Nation. Waiting goes along with the training, field operations or work up missions for the service member. And it’s no secret that families definitely learn to wait when deployment orders are executed. Four years of my life has been spent waiting on deployment to end!

We are familiar with waiting in lines with a number in hand for our turn to get an ID card, for our commissary deli meat order or for our prescriptions at the pharmacy. Even more nail-biting, we wait to see if we got seats on a Space-A flight! We wait regularly for gate traffic, medical referrals from our PCM, base housing availability or that EAS date. 

We are people accustomed to waiting- masters, indeed! And yet most people would say one of the hardest things in this lifestyle is the WAITING. We hate to wait. It’d be so much easier to just *know* when homecoming will be, what’s our next address, if our spouse will achieve promotion, what school our children will transfer to. We like the sense of control knowledge gives to us. 

We go to lengths to eliminate waiting from our everyday lives. We grab Chick-Fil-A from one event to the next because we don’t have time to wait. We snap pictures of life and upload them to social media- hello, INSTAgram.  We like days without delays and moments without pause. But waiting will always exist no matter how many remedies we try to create to eliminate it- a reality most felt in the confines of this military life. 

God has a lot to say about waiting, too. In fact, the scriptures are full of the theme of waiting. Moses waited40 years in the desert before helping Israel become free from Pharaoh. Joseph spent seven years in prison innocently before being exonerated from a crime he didn’t commit. Jesus even waited 30 years before entering public ministry.  

When I’m in the thick of waiting for things, I always question the Lord. The first question is WHY do you make us wait? And most of the Christian answers I’ve heard are because God wants us to grow in trust or faith or endurance. 

But what if waiting is less about the end result and more about the process?

Waiting is the ground where we commune with Christ. Jesus teaches about waiting in a well-known story called the Prodigal Son. (Unfamiliar? Google Luke 15:11-32) In the account, the Father prepared for his wandering squandering son’s return home after he cashed in his inheritance and traveled to far lands to have some fun. When the son eventually came home, broken both financially and emotionally, the Father threw a big party and served a fattened calf to the guests! But as the Father waited for his son’s return, He fed that calf, cared for it and helped it to grow until the feasting day arrived. Additionally, he kept his son’s robe and family ring when he left, resisting the urge to take it to Once Upon a Child for store credit. While He waited, the Father lived his life in patient expectation for the hope of throwing his arms around his son to welcome him home, placing his robe and signet ring back upon his beloved. 

Maybe we wait because the Father in the story- who parallels God- waits. God wants us to go through seasons of waiting because he wants us to become more like Him.  He is known as Patient and Long-suffering. 

The season of wait you’re experiencing now, whether it’s your spouse’s return from deployment or work ups, for orders, for household goods, for restoration in your marriage… Whatever you are waiting for- God is waiting with you. He waits with you because He is in the waiting. 

Waiting doesn’t have to be approached as fruitless or pointless or annoying- rather, it’s a stopgap in our hustle to encounter God. He is the gift during our times of waiting. Just as He fed the calf and grew it, He can feed our souls and grow us to greater maturity in our faith until the waiting ends and a new story unfolds. Waiting is a place of preparation and growth, where our character becomes less like me and more like Him. 

Let’s not be swift in wishing waiting away, instead let’s press in and unwrap the love hidden in the process. We can wait like the Father in the story, because who doesn’t love a good story about a homecoming? Homecoming sings hope to our hearts after the long wait of deployment or training or PCS or rocky marriage seasons. Waiting beckons something deep- an emergent celebration of joy, a glimpse of the everlasting Kingdom. And at the end of the 3 missed anniversaries year after year, the Christmases apart, we can finally say “it was worth the wait!” Because He was with me when I was waiting and waiting made me more like Him.