Jessica BriggsI recently read a line in a book that I can’t get out of my head. In the book, Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist she says, “one never changes until the pain level gets high enough”
This is an impactful thought for our military community. Just last week news broke about another one like us- an Army wife, Tristen Watson– who reached her pain level. Her heart-breaking story ended in tragedy, as she chose to end her and her unborn child’s life by suiciding, after also murdering her toddler.
Do you know why thousands of us feel this loss in our bones? Because we know what burdens she was carrying. There’s many invisible weights military spouses carry on their back. That may sound strange, since we grow up and stop believing in invisible things. But I feel these things acutely; many of you wear them, too.
My weight is loneliness.
My weight is doubt.
My weight is hopelessness.
My weight is fear.
My weight is sadness.
My weight is feeling overwhelmed, incapable, soul-weary, empty, tired…
The list goes on.
We are juggling big things- independent parenting, less than ideal circumstances, moving and uprooting, experiencing constant grief cycles from losing friends and communities, being far from family, unrest in our marriages and managing the emotional health of our spouses after their war experiences.
This all equates to one simple word: trauma. Our lifestyle is nothing short of traumatic. If we look at the reality of our past, the circumstances of our present and the unknowns of the future in this lifestyle, it is far too easy to become hopeless. Add in many of us, who have pasts full of trauma, whether it be sexual, emotional, physical or a life-altering event, and it’s the recipe for a perfect storm.
Trauma rears it’s head in ugly ways. It’s the voice that always shames. It’s the accusations– I’ll never be better, healed, whole, happy. It’s the driving force behind feeling constantly on edge, waiting for the shoe to drop. Trauma rewires our brains to think unreasonably, obsessively and to make our bed in a place riddled with constant depression and anxiety.
The solution for handling trauma is multifaceted. We know resiliency plays a role, although there’s much nuance with how we gain resiliency. We know this for a fact: resiliency is not entirely built in. We have to let go of stigmas that are imprisoning real souls. It’s not enough to pull yourself up by the bootstraps. You can’t just be “Army strong.” We don’t need to suck it up, buttercup. We don’t need another “well you knew what you were getting yourself into.” We need to start having real conversations about the reality of mental wellness in our armed forces and spouses.
The most believable mantra in our culture is that “people never change.” We believe that we can never change, either, so we stay in cycles and battles and addictions and pain until we feel like the only way to end it is to stop breathing.
I’m here to tell you today that you can change. You can change your mind. You can adjust the sails for the course of wind. You can follow your heart. You can change the inner dialogue that always leaves you feeling defeated. You can fall apart, and reassemble yourself into a more beautiful mosaic. So as you might be falling apart, broken into pieces, handling burdens too heavy to carry, and at the very end of your rope, it’s not the end of your story.
This needs to be a battle cry from within the heart of our armed services. No matter how dark and daunting, we need the affirmation and permission from one another to change. To remake and recreate our reality, until we feel peace. We need the support and acknowledgement, the resources and the hearts willing to help us move toward change, both inward and outward.
We all have high pain levels, which is already the impetus for change. So, brave one, do it- spread your wings and make your life yours. Uncle Sam may control some things in your life, but he doesn’t own you. You are free to be who you are meant to be. And I am here to cheer you on as you discover, heal, put down burdens and make yourself. No one else can do it for you, and that’s the beauty in it all. You can be authentically you- and that’s who the world needs you to be, too.
RESOURCES:
For free, personal Counseling: Military One Source 1-800-342-9647
If you’re having thoughts of ending your life, call the National Suicide Hotline- 1-800-273-8255
